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A hole in my heart, but it’s just a hole

I think it’s common knowledge that there is something terribly wrong with every human being. We all have our strengths and weaknesses. No one is perfect. We are all good at something and we are all equally bad at something else, and we all have a deep void somewhere within ourselves that we need to fill with something. I think it is part of what makes us human.

Some fat people fill it with food. Some skinny people fill it by puking up their food. Some athletes fill it with vitamins and exercise. Some second level athletes fill it with steroids. Alcoholics fill it with booze and a junkie fills it with a needle. It’s a vicious, gaping hole that needs to be filled. It is hungry and that hunger never goes away.

I wonder if it’s a hole that we’re born with or a hole that we develop over time. Sometimes life’s harsh lessons dig it deeper as we go and the hole consumes us until there is nothing left. Sometimes we learn about that hole and we try to fill it up, only to find out that we are digging another hole in ourselves to fill in the first hole, and then the second hole is deeper and more ravenous than the first.

I think that I’m nearing an age where I’ve figured out my void. I’m understanding why I’ve made this decision or that decision throughout different periods of my life. I think I know the hurt that I’m trying to cover and the methods I use to try to fill it up, and I can live with it.

As time goes on I’m learning to be compassionate to it. I’m actually learning to like it. It’s making me humble.