A hole in my heart, but it’s just a hole

I think it’s common knowledge that there is something terribly wrong with every human being. We all have our strengths and weaknesses. No one is perfect. We are all good at something and we are all equally bad at something else, and we all have a deep void somewhere within ourselves that we need to fill with something. I think it is part of what makes us human.

Some fat people fill it with food. Some skinny people fill it by puking up their food. Some athletes fill it with vitamins and exercise. Some second level athletes fill it with steroids. Alcoholics fill it with booze and a junkie fills it with a needle. It’s a vicious, gaping hole that needs to be filled. It is hungry and that hunger never goes away.

I wonder if it’s a hole that we’re born with or a hole that we develop over time. Sometimes life’s harsh lessons dig it deeper as we go and the hole consumes us until there is nothing left. Sometimes we learn about that hole and we try to fill it up, only to find out that we are digging another hole in ourselves to fill in the first hole, and then the second hole is deeper and more ravenous than the first.

I think that I’m nearing an age where I’ve figured out my void. I’m understanding why I’ve made this decision or that decision throughout different periods of my life. I think I know the hurt that I’m trying to cover and the methods I use to try to fill it up, and I can live with it.

As time goes on I’m learning to be compassionate to it. I’m actually learning to like it. It’s making me humble.

4 Responses to “A hole in my heart, but it’s just a hole”

  1. Bravo captain! Bravo!!!!! I absolutely love to read your posts. Hope there is more to come. I tell you all the time i think you are a very interesting writer. and you should run with it.

  2. Thanks Herm 🙂

  3. Hi. You may but probably won’t remember me from the days when you were working on a Linux distro called Featherweight, of which I had a beta copy (for which belated thanks btw); I posted as Colonel Panic on your forum.

    That feeling of emptiness you describe (and which I’m also familiar with) is the reason a lot of people turn to religion, spirituality etc. Have you ever been tempted along these lines?

  4. I remember you Colonel. Nice to see you again. You are absolutely right. That’s probably why Alcoholic Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous thump their bibles so hard. I was pretty much raised to only believe in something you could put your hands on or prove scientifically though.

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